Identity Crisis

     I have lived in my current apartment and city for about two years and eight months. I have lived in my current of residence for a little over twenty one years. My most recent birthday marked my twenty first year in the United States. Yet, it still does not feel like home.

      I did not live in my country past the age of ten. What memories I have are framed through the lens of a child, though I try to analyze some of the events with an adult mind. Often times, this analysis leads to frustration and anxiety. Every so often, I do gain insight. I have learned that hindsight that goes beyond twenty years is best kept in the past. Though there are many lessons that can be passed on to generations ahead. At the very least, these memories remind me of who I was before I became who I am now.

    I write these words because I have struggled with my sense of belonging. There are three factors of my identity that have contributed to this struggle: living in a country where I have no citizenship, being born in a country that does not grant me automatic citizenship, and having citizenship in a country have never lived in.

     I have lived here for over twenty years and struggled with a sense of belonging. I know the history of the country I live in and thrive on learning more historical facts. Yet, in knowing the history, I have been made aware that it is not my history. The history of my parents is the one I sense the most connection to and know the least of. It is also one I feel I have no claim to because, in reality, I was not there. I was not born in their country and have never lived there. I have not even visited, except for an international layover that lasted maybe an hour. I know that because of my material attachment to the country I live in, I would have a difficult time adjusting to the one I identify with. I  have also been reminded that as a member of the diaspora, I may not even be welcomed. As for the country of my birth, I have been gone from it so long I am sure my memories will fail me. I also must work as hard as any foreigner to obtain citizenship. That fact was enough to remind me that I am an outsider there as well.

     The experiences I have had are mainly internalized realities. I am often told that I am just as good as anyone born in the country I live in. But the factors of my current reality remind me otherwise. I believe this has led me to become less trusting of most institutions and of individuals who are not like me in some way. I know that this attachment to my national identity has led to a lot of distrust in my self and beliefs. I have put off goals out of fear. The greatest of my fears being that I can easily lose everything that I worked hard to gain.

      I know that no external status is going to fix what I feel inside. My experiences are mine. There will be a time, maybe twenty years from now, where this issue of national identity will appear small comparison. At the moment, it is the one issue I grapple with the most. It is not so much the identity as much as my attachment to it that has paralyzed me. I hope to free myself of my attachment to it, or at least embrace it as part of who I currently am. I think by embracing it, I can accept my current reality and move on with the busyness of living. I know that by liberating myself from this attachment, I can grow into the person I intend to be.