On Commitment

       I believe the biggest testament to commitment is the marriage contract.  To me, upholding a marrriage contract is not simply a matter of not engaging in extramarital affairs or dodging divorce. It is about being clear of one's own intentions and keeping the agreement made between two partners. Essentially, it is like any other contract between to parties: there are terms and agreements which both parties must agree to. Therefore, I understand that a breach in this agreement may necessitate divorce. I have also learned that when two parties no longer agree to the terms of the agreement, then a new agreement may be negotiated on. All of this is okay, however, the primary objective of any agreement is to keep it.
       I have been married for over a year now and if there is any lesson that I have learned, it is one of commitment.  The most recurring theme being keeping agreements. This has been one of the toughest subjects for me because I often either renegotiate or break my agreements, may it be an agreement with myself or someone else.
       For me, my first agreement regarding my marriage was to move to the other coast of Florida. This was agreed upon before we even had a formal ceremony or marriage certificate. However,  it took me three months to follow through. There was a lot of reneogtiating with regards to the time frame, but the agreement was essentially kept.
      There have been instances where we both have broken our agreements. Not in matters of traditional fidelity, but in matters of honesty. In those cases, I have learned the important and valuable lesson of accountability. Accountability, I have learned, is about taking into ACCOUNT how one's own actions have factored into one's own situation in life. It is not about blame, but about responsibility and ownership.
      For instance, prior to getting married, I told my husband I would be done with school within two years. This was in the Spring of 2017. I knew that it was possible, but I did not follow through. Rather than blame him for lack of support or myself for lack of initiative, I got to take into account what actions led to me not following through with my word. I was aware of my financial situation and set a very high goal that did not match up with my situation in life at the time. I knew I had to pay out of pocket. However, I did not take into account the other financial responsibilities that come with marriage.
      So from an accountability standpoint, I could say I did break my word to graduate within two years of getting married. The events that led to my breaking my word included working more hours than I did when I lived at home, adapting to a different schedule than I usually do, and lack of effective time management. Other factors included lack of finances and not pursuing alternative avenues to finance my education, while still upholding my other financial responsibilities. Factors that did help me get closer to my goal included taking additional classes and having at least one backup payment option to take additional courses.
     Realizing that I was not going to reach my goal in time was disappointing, but not devastating. My end goal was to graduate and I did not lose sight of the end goal. Being accountable allowed me to receive feedback from my biggest supporter and look at ways I could still commit to my long-term goal without being entirely out of integrity. So, I took on additional classes and decided to be more honest about where I was. Now, I am on track to graduate a year later than I initially anticipated, but it will still happen before we reach our third year of marriage.
       I think accountability also helps with preparing for future commitments. Realizing my areas of weakness that led me to be out of integrity, may help me in the future. One thing that I can do to ensure I keep future commitments is being honest with myself about what I can commit to and what I am willing to do to keep that commitment. Also, being present to who I am and what support systems I have available is important as well.
      Essentially commitment is about being honest and present with oneself. In marriage, it is also about being honest with one's partner. It is about knowing what it will take to be in integrity and being present to that. One vow I can pride myself in keeping is staying by my husband's side "through sickness and ine health". I think out of all commitments I had to keep, this is the one that stuck because it was an explicit vow that was made as part of our marriage contract. Both of us have been ill during the course of our year and a half marriage and have really had to put that vow to the test. Knowing that we both are able to maintain that reassures me that we could support each other through our other personal commitments.

On Identity

  This is probably going to be one of the hardest posts for me to write.  This post is difficult for me to write because I find comfort in concealment. I can reveal just enough of my thoughts to appease the reader, without full exposure of myself. I do not write to express myself, as I believe every writer should. Rather, I write to empty myself of that which bombards me. I write to purge myself of demons and other vile monsters that attempt to plague my mind. I write to release.

When I originally created this blog, the intent was to share my work with a wide audience. I thought of posting my unpublished poems, sketches, photographs, and any other creative project I came up with along the way. However, as time passed, I realized that I wanted to share my thoughts, my opinions. I wanted to write what was within and bring it forth. The more I wanted it however, the less motivated I became to take action.

I think the greatest inhibitor for me is fear. As is usually the case when pursuit is greater than the ultimate gain. Fear dictates when and what I should publically write. Fear conflicts and confuses. Fear paralyzes. It freezes up every creative part of my being amd shuts my voice up within. It imprisons my mind and causes my heart to hide. It deafens and blinds me. Yet fear is my crutch.

In fear, I find comfort in knowing that my secrets are safe once more. That the heart that beats within me can still beat, quietly. In fear, I find freedom to dream privately. I find that wishes do come true, just not in this reality. In fear, I can hide safely in the box that I built just for me.

However, I am experiencing growing pains. I am beginning to outgrow this box and fear is loosening its grip on me. The cry for freedom shatters my ears, causing me to hear whispers. Whispers. I can vaguely see light in the midst of my blind darkness and my throat croaks, just a little. The sounds of freedom make my fingers dance as thoughts slowly make their way out of my private mind into the public eye. My secrets threaten to spill out and will no longer be safe with me.

This post was supposed to be about identity. It took me almost a month to complete it. I began to write and as I was in the middle of a thought, I received a phone call. Back to reality. I have been trapped in reality since, but my mind kept wandering to this post. This post that was supposed to be about identity, but wound up being about fear.