On Obstruction

    I made a promise to myself and a select group of people that I would have two blog posts by the end of September. The moment I made that commitment, however, I experienced great resistance. My first thought: what are you trying to prove? The moment I thought that, I knew my commitment was going to be a challenge.

   Any time I explicitly commit to an endeavor, I experience some form of obstruction. However, I have learned that the key to removing an obstruction is recognizing its presence and its source. I consider myself quite masterful at the art of self-sabotage. Not a feat to worth bragging about, but one I pride myself in nontheless. Recognizing the creative energy that is involved in this form of obstruction has taught me so much about myself. It has also taught me how to become more aware of the foundational roots of my self-imposed obstruction. 

         To be masterful at self-sabotage requires some level of self-awareness and a measure of self-loathing. It also requires effort. Oftentimes it is subconscious---but the greater the level of obstruction, the more effort is required. This is true both literally and figuratively. I have come to realize that the more aware I am of myself, the more resistant I become to any sign of progress. This resistance in time evolves into obstruction, leaving me at a standstill in which I can not move forward nor move back. I simply become stuck. Often when I get stuck, I choose to ignore the blockage. When I ignore the blockage, I also fail to recognize the source of my obstruction. When I fail to recognize the source of my obstruction, I become complacent. When I become complacent, I allow myself to sink into depression. When I sink into depression, I become consumed in self-resentment. When I am consumed in self-resentment, I justify the obstruction that I created. Then, at some point, something shifts. I realize that I can continue in the cycle and wallow in self-pity or I can actually acknowledge the justified obstruction for what it is. 

        When I choose to acknowledge the obstruction, I also allow myself to seek the possibility of freedom. This possibility of freedom brings to my awareness the element of choice. I have a choice. Just as I can unconsciously choose to remain in a state of obstructive complacency, I can choose to be complacent and unobstructed. I can also choose to be completely free of obstruction. This awareness of choice also comes with great responsibility. It comes with the responsibility to choose awareness every time. It comes with the responsibility to be conscious of my thoughts and actions. It comes with the responsibility to choose freedom so that I may progress and allow myself to be who I am. Honestly and truly. It also comes with the responsibility of being aware of each time that I do consciously or unconsciously choose obstruction.