Sunday, February 14, 2016

Love Lust and Valentine's Day

     As Valentine's Day draws to a close in the United States, I have decided to celebrate the last few minutes of this day with some reflective thoughts of my own. Personally, I do not find much interest in celebrating it. There are two primary reasons. The first, is that I regard it as a commercial holiday. The second, is that I have gained a few insights concerning the history of this holiday, further supporting my decision not to celebrate it. However, per request of a friend of mine, I have chosen to pay a personal tribute.
     I truly did not gain much exposure to Valentine's Day until I was in third grade and my class celebrated it. I remember that day clearly because my classmates and I were encouraged to bring cards and Valentine's Day presents in commemoration of that day. However, my family did not celebrate the holiday and quite naturally did not actively support my participation. So, I decided to make a card for my chosen Valentine. I used notebook paper, crayons, and my creativity to make it happen. I received many treats and somewhat took a liking to the holiday. However, my future attempts at commemorating the holiday, although creative, were not as well received. By the time I reached middle school, I fully embraced the religious propaganda that my parents adopted in defense of not celebrating Valentine's Day. Of course, I was curious by nature and in due time discovered some historical facts, while not fully embedded in my memory, were impactful enough for me to be weary of openly celebrating it.
   That is not to say that I did not passively engage in Valentine's Day celebrations. When I began dating at the turn of my second decade in life, my boyfriend at the time gifted me with a few tokens of his affection. Of course, I repaid him with kisses and an extensive makeout session. Granted, he was my first boyfriend and I was a little inexperienced in such exchanges and unwilling to openly acknowledge the holiday itself. Prior to that, my celebrating friends would buy me gifts and cards. My parents did not approve, of course, but I saw no reason to turn down free chocolate. When I worked at a preschool, I also somehow managed to participate in every holiday celebration that I supposedly do not engage in. Naturally, this included Valentine's Day.
     I suppose I can be conveyed a hypocrite when it comes to holidays. I would claim that I did not celebrate the holiday, listing all the reasons why, and then manage to engage in some form of holiday celebratory process. I cannot say that those actions bring me shame, however, the idea of being a hypocrite does cause me to internally shudder. I decided since my epiphany(that I have committed acts of hypocrisy) to take a neutral approach to the holiday process. I suppose that way I will cover myself. As for the Valentine's Day itself, I am neither friend no foe. I suppose one advantage, commercially speaking, is that all the chocolate and stuffed animals will be sold at a much lower price than usual. It appears that this is the great advantage to every commercial holiday.
      With the topic of Valentine's Day often comes the subject of love. Although the two are somewhat associated, they really are separate entities. That, of course, everyone publically claims to know. Yet, I find it amusing that this is the time that public discussions of love are widespread. I would really like to discuss my understanding of love separately, but I will give a superficial overview of thia understanding. Love, to me, is an action word. This is a concept that I have learned in the past recent years, and one that I truly embrace. To love, is a form of communicating a deep sense of connection and devotion. It may be with oneself,another, or inanimate objects. It is an ancient yet novel concept. Love has presented itself long before we were evolved enough to create a term for it. It is one of our pure driving forces, whether or not we are aware of it. Though the awareness and understanding of this concept certainly does lead to the effective application of love.
Of course this is only based on my own understanding of love. It is understood that many experiences and perceptions may lead to varying perspectives
That in itself is the convincing factor for me that love is innate. As is lust.
      Lust is often used as a term that may be connoted negatively. Yet, I perceive it as a very basic survival mechanism. Lust is the basis of our desires. Truly that is all it is. A desire. It is not something that I can truly compare to the action of love. I suppose that acknowledgement of such a basic instinct within such advanced creatures may cause a few to raise defenses out of fear. However, if we as humans cannot even accept the most basic and primitive aspects of our nature, how can we expect to evolve and collectively advance in our understanding of ourselves and the world that surrounds us?
    My understanding of the world is very miniscule in comparison to my potential understanding. I have only existed for over two decades and have lived rather vicariously. Therefore, this commentary is truly only an insight of my limited perspective of the topics of love, lust, and Valentine's Day. It is a fragment of the structure within myself and may even be a reflection of the mirrors I encounter along my journey.

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Confession

     In my last post, I posted a tidbit about the pervasive experience of fear that consumes me. I further concluded that this was the fear of uncertainty. In essence, it was an abrupt conclusion in an effort to quiet the running internal conversations that were trying to forge their way out of my mind. I wanted to keep them there.
     As I was writing about fear, I became afraid of my own nakedness. Afraid that by expressing my thoughts publically, I would be forging intimacy with the remainder of the world. That when the world sees me, they will know me, recognize me, and expose me. What is it that I am holding on to that has me embrace such paranoia?
     As I wrote about my concern of being exposed, I thought about the countless writers and artists who have shared this paranoia and went on sharing their work anyway. This is a lesson for me as well. I have read posts from artists and friends who have chosen to be vulnerable and share their deepest selves with the world. Through the use of their creative work and social media outlets, they created the space for others to stand in their light. Others, like myself, who still cower and hide, yet acknowledge the fear. Others who masquerade the fear and anxiety that they experience with emotional pretenses and vain statements. Others like my teenage self, who hide behind closed doors and wait until darkness comes so that they will not have to see themselves. To those brave enough to showcase their fear, anxiety, joy, sorrow, and true nature: I am sincerely grateful.
     I have finally  mustered the courage to express my thoughts with those who care to read them. In turn, I write and hope that someone else may too find the courage to face the fear of exposure and walk into their spotlight.