Fear

  It has been over a year since I have created this blog and I have only written two posts. In the first post, I expressed my intentions for this blog. In the second, I wrote a brief introduction about my vision for the world. Today I decided to read that initial post to remind myself of why I created this blog, since I was itching to write something new.
   I have spent the past year reading the blogs of other people and scrolling through commentaries on Facebook. I have since realized that my lack of content on this blog is a result of an internal and pervasive fear that I have carried with me since the earliest memories nestled within the confines of my mind.
    This fear has crippled me in many aspects of my life. My career, my relationships, and the passion that I possess for my work have all been hindered by this fear and by my fear of it. I have spent so much of my life obssessing over this fear that it has become an intregal part of who I am.
    This fear that I contain within me has expressed itself in many forms. It has portrayed itself as social awkwardness, anxiety, shyness, pretentiousness, and obscenity. It has become a power tool in every intimate relationship that I have encountered. It has been the motivational force behind my constant procrastination. It has been the catalyst for the suicidal ideations and attempts which have flirted with me since I was fifteen. It has been the root of my imminent self-destruction and the crutch that has kept me from rising up to complete healing.
   I have long struggled to figure out exactly what it is that I have feared. What is it that I have been holding on to and reluctant to let go of. What is this fear that I hold so dearly and yet want to remove from myself? What is it that I have traded my freedom for?
     I have concluded that this fear is actually a thought, a belief, that I am truly much greater than I have been told to be. The fear is not that of the opinions of others, but of the perceptions and thoughts that created the shifting beliefs that shape my mind. It is,ultimately, the fear of uncertainty.